DON'T ANSWER THAT!
Anyway, I'm not a trophy wife because I'm a six foot Brazilian bikini model; I'm a trophy wife because my husband operates the family business, which is a trophy store. I like being married, so my duties with the business are limited to the province of the facetiously entitled V.P. of HR. What this means is that I'm involved whenever there is an employee issue, or in the event of hiring or firing, and I attend the annual Holiday luncheon.
Now that you better understand my role, here are my confessions.
#1. I dread that holiday luncheon all year. Social skills are not a huge part of the trophy manufacture process, and this is always a two hour showcase of that very fact. Since we had the luncheon today, that's approximately 364 days I have to enjoy before the next one. Yay!
#2. Sorry job applicants...I laugh at your resumes. I have some special resume and cover letter tips that I'll share here.
- If you have a rose in the header AND footer of your resume, you'd better be applying for a job at a nail salon.
- If your cover letter bears the phrase, "I focus on customer delight", you need to know that it's not that kind of job. Look in the Yellow Pages under "Escort Services".
- If your introductory paragraph on either of these documents includes the phrase, "Strong attention to derail", please understand that using spell check doesn't catch every error, and it doesn't qualify as fastidiousness.
#3. The real shocker: I have fake trophies. I have two of them, to be exact, but I suppose I could have as many as I want. One of them is a beautiful acrylic emblazoned with the following:
Addie
State of Georgia
Mud Wrestling Champion
Undefeated 2001-2006
I used to have that one on my desk when I worked in the office, and people always thought it was true, and I'd explain that being shorter was a big advantage because of my low center of gravity, and I'd otherwise b.s. endlessly until I made myself laugh.
The most prestigious award I have was actually built by the boys for Mother's Day. It's a wooden three-post trophy with the figure of a lady holding a bouquet of roses atop a large, glistening cup ornament.
The inscription reads:
The inscription reads:
World's Best Mom
Ever
I love being a trophy wife.
9 comments:
those are quite the confessions! i think it would be so cool to be able to make myself whatever trophies i wanted i would make one that said:
Emily Hall
Street Luge Champion
just because that has always looked quite fun...
Now if you *really* want to raise some eyebrows if and when you have to go back to the office environment, have a trophy made up that says, "Coleslaw wrestling champion - 2007 Daytona Bike Week". What mud wrestling champion worth their weight in salt wouldn't want to expand their boundaries? Many years ago at bike week my buddies and I stumbled across coleslaw wrestling at one of the bars on main street. Apparently it is a bike week tradition. That was a visual image I could have done without.
Fun title AND post :-).
jen
My nephew wants an 8-foot trophy commemorating his win in the 2008/2009 Hartley/Fowler/Dunn family college bowl game pool.* The problem, of course, is that my nephew's wife has won the pool for the last three years, and there's no reason to assume that she won't win again this year. My nephew usually fares worse than his wife, his mother, his grandmothers, his aunts, and his 8-year-old cousin.
*Yeah, the trophy needs a better name.
We all know that "trophy wife" is a double entendre for you Addie!
And I like being a trophy brother-in-law. The one that I just received from the Hebb clan reads:
Mens Swimwear Freestyle Dance
Middle Aged Division
Arizona State Invitational 2008
Grand Champion
Kevin Hall
I'm very proud.
Emily, Street Luge is a great sport for fake trophies, and does look SO fun!
Ok, Poolie, Coleslaw Wrestling is something I have never, ever heard of...Bike Week sounds awesome! I'll have to tell Garrett that I'll need a follow-up trophy to show that I'm open to expanding my faux athletic prowess.
Jen, I'm glad you liked it. I actually thought of the title first, then I had to write around it, because the idea was so irresistable to me. :-)
Kathy, an 8 foot trophy would be VERY impressive, and it would probably have to be that big to accomodate that long title! I'm sure we've never made a trophy that big, but I'd love to see one.
Bosslady, I heart you!
Kevin, a lot of love went into that trophy, and just the thought you freestyle dancing in swimwear in a heated competition with your trunk-clad peers is reward enough. The fact that you're a Grand Champion is the icing on the cake!!
Addie, I'm still laughing both at the title and the post.
My word verification is very appropriate to the subject I think - "faniza." I'm faniza ing about what faux accomplishment your next trophy will commemorate.
I try to be the trophy husband, but Maria says my trophy is the lawn tractor...use it!! Oh well, off to the gas station.
Post a Comment