Meme Time!

I'm considering myself tagged by Alex of Hope and greyz, who posted this fun Meme. Consider yourself tagged if you want to participate.

1) Last movie you saw in a theatre? Iron man, I think. That movie was kick-ass!

2) What book are you reading? Branding 101 by Donald Trump

3) Favorite board game? Taboo.

4) Favorite magazine? Atomic ranch – fantastic resource & drool starter for mid-century-modern architecture loons.

5) Favorite smells? Napalm in the morning. Other things that smell like victory: peppermint, roses, fresh-ground coffee, fabric softener, babies (note: babies are not mentioned in my Favorite sounds!), clean dogs.

6) Favorite sounds? People who don’t mutter.

7) Worst feeling in the world? Not knowing where your kids are.

8 ) What is the first thing you think when you first wake up? I hope G turned on the coffee pot!

9) Favorite fast food place? Moe’s

10) Future child’s name? That’s easy…Vasectomy Miracle

11) Finish this statement—if I had a lot of money I’d hire a chef and never freaking cook again!

12) Do you drive fast? Only on the freeway.

13) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Not anymore, but I used to sleep with a stuffed hippo for years as an adult. I’m way too cool for that now; plus Hoover pulled all the stuffing out of the hippo’s butt.

14) Storms–cool or scary? Scary! I need one of those “storm defender” capes for dogs.

15) What was your first car? Toyota corolla

16) Favorite drink? Scotch and soda, or Firefly and water

17) Finish this statement - if I had the time I would make myself a pair of leather chaps and roller skate around downtown.

18 ) Do you eat the stems on broccoli? I don’t discriminate. I eat the whole thing!

19) If you could dye your hair any other color, what would be your choice? Copper

20) Name all the different cities/towns u have lived in? These are the ones I can remember: Albuquerque, NM, Woodbridge, NJ, Phoenix, AZ, Monterey, CA, San Angelo, TX, Ayer, MA, Killeen, TX, Huntsville, AR, Austin, TX, Atlanta, GA. I was born in Honolulu and have also lived in Korea and Japan before I was old enough to remember.

21) Favorite sports to watch? Hockey, but only in person.

22) One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? I’m considering myself tagged by Alex, and she’s a funny gal and a very talented sculptor.

23) What’s under your bed? Tons of super-freaky porn. Just kidding…I have a telescope mirror my Dad ground, polished and figured for me and Garrett. It goes into a Dobsonian mount Dad also made.

24) Would you like to be born as yourself again? I have to be me; no one else wants the job!

25) Morning person or night owl? Night owl, caffeine-crazed morning hag.

26) Over easy or sunny side up? Over medium!

27) Favorite place to relax? Bed

28 ) Favorite pie? Any fruit pie, but I just like to eat the filling and leave the crust.

29) Favorite ice cream flavor? This is easy…Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. There’s not a care in the world that a ménage a trois with Ben & Jerry can’t cure.

Audience Participation

You know what I'm in the mood for (besides ending a sentence with a preposition, that is)? A big, obnoxious, politically incorrect booze-fueled rant-post, that's what.

Here's the problem: I'm drawing a blank on what to rant about (another preposition!). So, in the interest of avoiding some boring radio silence, I'm taking suggestions. You name it, I'll rant about it. Trust me, this is better than the alternatives I've dreamed up so far.

Seriously, do you REALLY want to read a detailed treatise on why Otto Von Crapp's engine light is lit? Are you interested in my opinions on how drinking commercially prepared milk has contributed to 50% of 8 year-old-boys having titties like strippers? I'm warning you...it could get pretty boring.

So, let's make it simple. If you think of a topic that would be suitable for rant, be a pal and post it in a comment. Over the weekend, I promise to booze it up and get posting, and I'll cover every suggestion submitted by the end of the day on Friday. It can be anything, political, social, just so long as it's not BORING. I think that last post under the influence was a real humdinger, so I think this could be a win-win!

Come on, folks, help a sister out (look, I did it again!)!

Creative Mortgage Financing

Well, folks, the time has come for me to throw my mortgage company under the proverbial bus. I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this.

You see, I have my mortgage through Countrywide, and every month on the first, I send them a payment. Everyone is on the same page, and everyone's satisfied with the arrangement. Pretty simple, right?

You'd think it would also be self-explanatory that when the trophy shop completes an order for Countrywide Mortgage, that we'd get paid. On time. In full. Without incident.

Now, if I had declined to pay my mortgage since May of 2008, I'm confident that right now I'd be out on my ass wearing a barrel on suspenders in lieu of legitimate housing. Frankly, I'm miffed that Countrywide has failed to pay the $94.80 that is now 200+ days past due, and I'm considering my options.

Here's my idea: I'm considering calling Countrywide customer service and explaining to them that I'm going to be paying $94.80 less on my February mortgage payment. I'd offer to fax them the ancient invoice, and politely tell them that I'm even willing to waive the late fee.

Where the hell is a video camera when you need one? Wouldn't that be a great YouTube video?

Air Quality Issues

I’m not sure if you all know just how lucky you are. After all, it’s been over 10 days since I’ve posted a word about what comes out of my hounds’ butts. Well, all good things must come to an end, my friends.

Maybe it’s all the excitement we’ve had around here lately, but these guys have been gassy. I’m inclined to say it’s related to an upset in their routines, because the last time anything this foul assaulted my nostrils was when we first brought Bruno home. Sure, I’ve been feeding them yogurt, but they just keep on letting it rip.

Since I work from home, there’s really no respite from the wicked stank. Hoover’s tush is repeating like a Howitzer, and Bruno’s booty is blowing like Old Faithful. I feel like I’m trapped in a phone booth with the star of “4th Meal Me”, the follow-up documentary to “Supersize Me”, in which someone eats only Taco Bell for a month. Smells like day 29, I’d say.

Seriously, a hot dumpster would smell refreshing in comparison, and I think there’s a hole in the ozone layer forming directly above my house. I’m not sure if this headache is garden-variety or methane poisoning, and I’ve reached the point where my fight or flight response is activated every time I hear that subtle little “pfffftt”. If someone in Atlanta did canine colonics, we’d be the first in line.

Since the yogurt isn’t working, I’m giving this 48 hours and we’re going to the vet. If that doesn’t work, I’m moving out of this stink box. Anybody have a couch to spare?

Cell Phone Sabbath

Maybe I'm the only person who feels this way, but I suspect I'm not. My cell phone drives me crazy.

Not because I don't want to talk to my friends and family, because that's not the case. It's just that the damn thing rings incessantly. Sure, it's convenient to be able to call home from the grocery store and find out whether or not we're out of sour cream, but is it really necessary to be so in touch all the time?

I suspect this is just some kind of masochistic digital-age addiction, and I intend to find out. I've turned my phone off as of sundown yesterday, and I'm leaving it off until 8:00am Monday. For crying out loud, I'm a corporate trainer, not a brain surgeon who needs to be on call. I can be out of touch for36 hours or so.

At least I think I can.

Hot Sweaty Meatball

G wears those contact lenses that are meant to be left in for a month, and they're great. Once he has them in, he can totally forget them, which is both the best and the worst feature.

Since he started wearing these contacts, he has not once remembered to remove them on time. About every two months, he wakes up one morning with debilitating pain and at least one eye that's bulging, throbbing, and feels like a "hot sweaty meatball". When this happens, he has to remove the lenses and "go commando" with no vision correction for a day or so, which in and of itself is a huge safety issue.

He won't get Lasik, he won't wear glasses, and he won't change these contacts on time. I'm not his Mother, and I don't want to be. At the same time, I don't want him to lose an eye over his carelessness. To nag, or not to nag, that is the question.

A Steaming Bag of Coffee

I understand that I, myself, harbor some strange ideas. Some examples:

• I would never pick prime numbers on a lottery ticket.
• I think sneezing is fun.
• It bothers me that my municipal water is fluoridated without my permission.

For obvious reasons, I'm usually pretty sympathetic to strange ideas and do my best to understand them, but I've got to say, this has me stumped.

Burger King serves its coffee in a paper bag. They take a full cup of coffee, place it in a bag, and hand it to the customer. Like your coffee black? It doesn't matter...it's still in a bag.

Strange, isn't it?

Perplexing Question

We all know we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. We need to change our habits: use public transportation, combine our errands, support alternative fuels. The question that's been nagging me over the last couple of months relates to a simple way we could reduce our fuel consumption if our local governments would support and implement it.

Why aren't traffic lights synchronized better?

This has come to my attention on several errand-running marathons when I've been on surface streets. If I'm observing posted speed limits, why am I stopping at almost every light? Isn't all that starting, stopping, and idling wasting gas?

If you know the answer to this, or how to get this info, please comment on this post. I'd be interested in mounting some sort of campaign to improve the synchronization in my area. Someone out there knows the answer!